These are my summer tenants. Building their first home this year. Last summer they built a big settlement just above our gate and gave us some annoying time. Still I love them for some mysterious reason.
With the pandemic all around us. We see and hear the word’ death’ more than before. Today I want to have an honest and raw talk to myself. Will I actually ever decide how long life is enough for me? Whenever I faced a trouble in life and if it was especially created by someone very close to me, I suddenly wished to die. What a stupid thing to wish death for the faults of others. Well, I never thought about that matter clearly. The questions, the feelings and the solution of the problem as dying was , ‘that my mind presented before me. it was actually just a confusion and an exaggeration of my mind. Yes, all life there are many things or issues in life that either people around us or we ourselves exaggerate. What we get then is even more confusion than the matter itself.
How much life is enough life?
Today I thought about what if today is my day to leave this world. I felt honestly something seems just not right. what? what is wrong about this. Every day people die. Death is as natural a thing as the birth of a living being. The next thing is that my mind tried hard to beat about the bush but I did not let it. Because today I want very honest answers. Today I want to make peace with whatever I face and whenever my time is here, I want to embrace it.
I did not choose to be born at least I should have the choice to live or not to live.
Wow! another escape, that’s my mind offered me that I did not choose my birth. I did not choose to come into this world so I deserve to have choice when and how I want to die. Now my mind has lost all its credibility for me because it’s not honest. How? I tell you. Nobody ever made a choice to be born or not to be born. Even my gorgeous cat” sallu had no choice. He was sweet little cat and lived only for a year. He did not even have a choice to be a cat or a human. so, we humans think many unrealistic logics. We get many confusions. We are mostly unable to differentiate between logical and illogical stuff or even unnatural thoughts that we create ourselves. We just create them and then we again agree with them to be true. Those apparently logical thoughts can be very stupid or even false.
So, what’s the reality of my mind, will it ever logically think and accept death as natural as breathing. Perhaps not. because …. because … it’s also a program of nature that we should preserve life. The protection of life must be our priority so that the nature can continue its big plan. Well, well. be more honest now. Don’t blame nature for what you want? Decide now is that really nature who wants to prolong your life or is it yourself. Yes, now I grabbed my selfish conscious mind.
I am still so much surprised
I never thought that my consciousness can be so clever, cunning, selfish or just natural? what did I say. I said again the word “natural. I placed all the responsibility on nature and got my conscious self very clean and innocent. I need to go back to the basic question. Ok I give up on escapes now. I just embrace dea….no I just embrace the truth that me, and my consciousness love life. Perhaps the most selfish part of me is my consciousness. It keeps on playing with me.
Why don’t I want to die now?
Ok I understand, its ok to agree with nature. its natural to care for life and protect it. But how long life is long enough for me. I remember whenever I listened to a dying person, they told they always had some wishes. Some unfinished work. They either wanted to have something or they wanted to accomplish some work, therefore they wanted some more life. Is not exactly this reason that I don’t want to die in the recent. Yes, that’s the reason. Well, now as I have accepted almost all the faults of my conscious mind. Oh, I said” faults” though I am not sure what to call them. For a moment I call them faults. what next? Do I get my answers?
My Sudden strange wish
After Accepting the matter of death as something natural, I get away again with my love of life. How I tell you now. May be its another escape to face the reality . Or it’s just something dreamlike to get some peace for my troubled conscious. I don’t like to be a living thing right from the start. I did not have choice at, my birth therefore I should keep it out of the present scenario. But my mind wants to give me something sweet like a dream. and I give up my present position of the honest self. I am ready to go on a lovely tour with it.
You are lucky as a living being!
Yes, that’s the sweet bait my conscious self-offered that I am lucky to be living. I will get both experiences of being a life that’s I am experiencing now and I will be nonliving some day and again I will be part of this universe. Being a living thing gives me choice of some action, while I am having my fixed time here. Why I call it a bait is that my mind just ignored the fact that to be non-living thing I will go through the process of dying. See, it just had another escape.
Why I escaped so many answers?
I escaped so many answers because either I did not know the answer or I did not like the natural answer. That’s it. Or maybe deep down I know all the answers. And I just don’t want to speak out loud lest I should have to embrace them.
A beautiful Dream before me!
Far in future I see a beautiful little girl, brushing her hair and looking into a shiny mirror and suddenly she smiles. she does not know that” I am’ yes’ me’ myself and’ I’ are part of her mirror. Is not that beautiful. Yes, it’s beautiful. because the situation can be worse. No. I must not imagine bad things. like far in future, I can be part of a ladder that somebody just slipped and broke his leg. I caught my conscious mind again. I am thinking. Did writing all this, solved any question? I am not sure. I am only sure about one thing that I wanted to share.